Apprehension

My son got out of "jail" (the county correctional facility) today. He's been in 4 1/2 months. I was apprehensive about seeing him today but it actually went pretty well. I'm feeling sad though. Sad that he's chosen this kind of life. Sad that I had to let him know that he cannot live in my house anymore due to his drug use and his choice to live a less than righteous lifestyle. I can't risk losing my home because of his choices. I've already experienced (before he went to jail) 4 cops at one time searching my home. I love my son more than anything. I don't love his choices. He did hug me a couple times and tell me that he loves me. But I'm still unsure about that. I don't know why. Maybe because of the choices he's made and the wedge that it's put between us. I just don't understand it all. I used to blame it on his father deserting us - and even when he was in the home, he wasn't there emotionally. But my older son - who obviously lived through the same things - has walked on the other side of the line. Hasn't done drugs, hasn't gotten arrested or in trouble with the law; doesn't drink, smoke, do anything criminal. So what made the difference? I wish I could find an acceptable and somewhat comforting answer to that question. It's just so disheartening right now that my son no longer lives in our home. But on the other hand, he's 20 years old right now, so maybe he shouldn't be living under my roof. But then again, he'll be staying with his friend, who's not exactly a good example either. But we all make choices. We are free to make choices.....just not free from the consequences of those choices. I guess all I can do is pray for him and love him. Maybe someday he will see the error of the life he's living. One can only hope.